Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i think my cat just said my name.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
