proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
