I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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