i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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