I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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