I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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