she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
