I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
