Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
