OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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