im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize