im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
