How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
