Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
