yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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