for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
