This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
