I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize