I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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