Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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