DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
