I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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