I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
