The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
