With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
