im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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