i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
