I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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