I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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