Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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