i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
