I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
