I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
