I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
