i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
