Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
