At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
