I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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