the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
