She's JV to your varsity
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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