Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
