Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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