What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
