I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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