I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He shit in the fireplace
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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