I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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