Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize