Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
