just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
