you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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