my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
