Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
