i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Shame - the story of my life.
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