Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
