wake up i wanna do it froggy style
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
