i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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