someone threw a dead crab at me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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