I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
