My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
