so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
