She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
And then he peed in my hair
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